X Roads of Michelle R Sweeny & ZETAZEN

I need to decide what kind of man I want to enter into my life. I have to be specific. There are certain things I want. I think in the past I've been too general, and with these thoughts I've been getting general kind of men. 

I'll date one man and he doesn't have all the qualities I want, date another and he's void of other things I want. 

I'm going to work on this.  I need to change the way I've been thinking about relationships and what I want for me...

I need to create this man mentally.  Eventually the physical manifestation will come. But first I need to mentally dig deep and write out what this man is like.  There is a certain vision I have.  Then I need to think about it often. Just like I do with my other goals. 

It's time I redirect my thoughts. I've been thinking the wrong thoughts and it's been keeping me stuck.  

If I keep thinking that dating is hard; it will be hard. The more I think the wrong thoughts, the more despair I feel about this situation.  

So at the moment in time, I'm changing my thoughts.  No more focusing on the wrong thoughts. 

My thoughts are my reality.  I'm creating the relationship I want. 

I will build it. He will come. 

Be Free....

"LIFE IS BETTER WITH LOVE"

Quote by ZETAZEN 

April 11, 2010

Be Free...

I am so not understanding why myself and some of my friends are single.  We are some damn good women. Accomplished, Talented, Good Looking, Spiritually Inclined, Financially Stable, Educated and Successful....YET..........we are single. WHY is that? 

Is it a unspoken inferior/superior complex that we have with men? Or is it vice versa?

Is that men see us as good women, but they aren't mentally together to deal with a woman of such caliber? 

These answers escape me. I'm just baffled by this ongoing and largely growing group of women who have it together, but aren't in committed relationships. 

WHAT ARE MEN LOOKING FOR? 

Why can't it be as simple as...hey I like you...you like me...let's see what we can make of this? 

UGH! 

All this other stuff is emotionally crippling....mental gymnastics - all for what? 

I can only speak for myself when I say that I never go around saying I don't want or need a man.  It's not that. I do want and need a man in my life because I am a heterosexual woman and I am built to want to love and please my male companion. It is my human nature. So just because I am independent doesn't mean I can't be dependent upon a man. It's just that in this moment and space in my life, I have NO CHOICE but to be independent because I have my children depending on me for survival.  However, if the right man came a long he'd be incorporated into our world, just like we would be incorporated into his...and together we'd be a force...he'd know that our relationship is built not only on love, trust, mutual respect and admiration...but on a basic business term...that is SWOT.

SWOT - Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.

Now, one may ask themselves how can this be applied to a relationship....

Each person has a strength.  Each person has a weakness.

My/his strength is supposed to overcome my/his weakness.

Together we make opportunities to better ourselves as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. 

Together we take our strengths to ward off any potential threats that may come our way. 

Strengths compensate for weaknesses, turning threats into opportunities....for the betterment of our family unit. Wow!!!

What's so hard about that fellas?

What I see is that if a man were to snag myself or one of my lovely sister-friends, that battle of dealing with life is 50% won.  We bring so much to the table that the struggle is partly over. Now that's from a survival of life perspective...

I know the mental and emotional piece is something different. Men and women are clued into relationships differently...this I totally understand. But I feel like if we just meet each other half way. Women allow the men to have space to feel what he's going to feel and in due time he will reveal. Patience.  Men allow the women to the ability to share their emotions freely without feeling that because she has shared this with you - you are now feeling some pressure...doesn't make it always so. Perception. 

Patience and Perception...my two number one goals - patience mastered...perception ongoing. 

Be Free....

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

His sex was good.  I liked it a lot. Even though it was void of passion. It was just sex. I didn't even view it as being that kind of sex that one would lust after. I yearned to just be near him. That's how much I was diggin' his vibe.  

I remember the first day I met him in person.  We had built up a wanting....to see one another.  I had met him on the message board about four months prior. I remember him being tall and good looking just like his pictures had made him out to be. I remember him coming around the corner as he approached me in the hotel hall way.  

Sweet Lawd that was him.  He was the final chapter in my book of bad relationships.  The end of my bad beginnings. I learned a lot from him...I learned how a women should be treated, because the Lord only knows he never treated me like I wanted to be treated.  And I never demanded that he treat me any better.  I was kept in despair for years...but at my own miserable need to be there. 

So I found it totally odd to get a phone call from him the other night....I was sleep...it was late.  I laughed at the mere fact that I even received this phone call....I found it ironic that he called the same night that I deleted his pic from my Blackberry. I've always thought dude was clued into me somehow... But I could have sworn I had broken that connection. Clip! lol :-) 

In the end, I didn't feel anyway about his phone call. It's good to have moved on. 

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

So my mother thought something was SERIOUSLY wrong with me when she read my previous blog post. lol 

I'm ok. 

When I write my blogs, I write for the feelings I'm having at that moment in time. Yesterday I was feeling stuck. Today I'm feeling knowledgeable about a situation that had been affecting me. But this is how I am. Whatever mood I'm in is whatever presents itself in my blog on that day I decide to write. 

This is why this is the REAL TALK BLOG. Nothing fake or phony about where I'm coming from.  The raw me...on that day and time...you get what you get when you get it.  :-) 

I realized that yesterday's blog made me understand that I'm in need of filling a void.  Purchasing two additional cars to the one I already own is my way of filling a void I have in my life. I had also made a decision that I wanted to move to a single family home. I have a lovely home. But now I want more...this is all to fill a void.  But in actuality this void cannot be filled with materialistic items. All that does it make it worse and I'll just want more. And giving myself more won't help with what ultimately ails me. 

I know what that void is. Companionship. I guess after being in so many dead end relationships one begins to wonder what's wrong with me? And I realized after speaking to my kindred soul sister that NOTHING is wrong with me...I just need to understand where I am in life and where I want to go and how this journey is not about these dead end relationships but it's about me. It's about me seeing things for what they really are and NOT how I want them to be. 

I'm taking off my rose colored glasses. 

Her words and the words of my wonderful mother helped to sooth me. I'm still trying to figure out who I am lol because I'm about to go on the most powerful journey one could ever take and that's the journey of transformation in understanding, patience and kindness. 

I am learning about how life does not revolve around me....that there is something greater out there and I should be apart of it.  It's about how I have to understand and accept where people are. 

It's time to accept, appreciate and atone. 

Kindness fills my heart. 

Be free....

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

This is crazy....I'm moving actively and passionately to pay off all my credit cards and loans so I can purchased TWO....not one additional...but TWO additional cars. Mind you...I have a really nice car...but now I want to get my Mercedes Benz truck back. I traded it in for the car I have now....and I also want a sports car...I want a Z. Have I loss my mind? What in the world and why in the world do I need or want to own THREE CARS!!!!!!

This has to be a symptom of SOMETHING....  This "something" is a wicked entity...and I know it to be true! 

I'd like to think that I love myself. But today is one of those days I'm doubting it. Maybe...perhaps I don't know what real true self love is all about. At this moment I really can't define it. I'm at a loss for words for what I think it is or knowing how to go about obtaining it.  

If I don't love me, who will? And if I don't love me...do I even know who I am and that's why I don't love myself? 

I'm searching for something. Something meaningful perhaps?  Something is missing in my life. Something that would turn this all around. I'm not saying that this "something" is something that is outside of me....it's definitely INSIDE of me. I'm not sure if it's supposed to come out or stay in to fulfill me . Hell, I don't even know what it is.  But it's just one of things I know is not there - I think...or maybe it is there, but laying dormant waiting for me to move it to fruition. 

I think I'm more confused about life than ever...is this my mid-life crisis? Is this the beginning of it? I find myself being very confused about which way I'm supposed to go.....I have no direction....sorta....This has nothing to do with being a writer. I see that clearly. I know I am built to write. HOWEVER...there is "something" in the way of making this happen to the fullest of possibilities. SOMETHING is not allowing me to move forward. 

Right now...I'm not feeling this "SOMETHING" entity. I feel this "SOMETHING" in my mind...in my heart....under my feet. I want this "SOMETHING" to show me that it is EVERYTHING...or NOTHING. 

Why am I stuck? Am I really stuck? Or do I just THINK that I am stuck?

What is missing? Is SOMETHING missing? Or do I just THINK something is missing?

Does it have anything to do with self love/self hatred? Do I really love me or do I love what I think I have become? What's the difference? Or do I really dislike me...and I want to change that but can't figure out how?

Have I been pretending all my life?

Do I even know who I am?

Have I been living with a stranger all these years and now I'm being confronted with the reality of really getting to know me? 

Who is the person that types these blog posts? 

I have little understanding of who I am these days....and SOMETHING knows that....