This is the life. At this moment in time, I'm sitting here typing this blog from my laptop at my boo's house. Me and the girls have been here since yesterday. We packed an overnight bag and came over to have fun with the boo and his son. This is how I've always imagined a family should be. He fixed dinner, we ate as a family, then he and I washed the dishes!!!! You just don't know how much I dislike washing dishes, but washing dishes with him took on a whole new meaning. lol I know it sound "crazy", but this is what I've always dreamed having a family should be like...should be like....I LOVE IT!
I love it and...
I LOVE HIM....
Love to love....life is sooooooo much better with company!
Wow! I'm just so happy right about now. The new relationship has been working out well. He and I get along wonderfully. He's a breath of fresh air compared to the staleness I've been experiencing these last years.
As the days come and go, I'm thrilled that he and I have found our way to one another. Words really can not describe the elation he brings to my world.
My life has been flipped upside down just in the last few weeks.
I can't believe this wonderful man that I've been getting to know so personally has been in my life for at least three years and we never decided to hook up.
I ask myself why now? What made now a good time for him to finally tell me he liked me and has been liking me for awhile. I'm just amazed.
I think I may know why.
It's because I wasn't ready. I hadn't really figured out what I wanted until he came into my life. I was still thinking that my last situation was going to re-materialize into what I wanted. But I couldn't see the forest through the trees of how that "situation" compares to this mature relationship.
I completely understand how closed my mind was compared to how open it has been in this relationship. I see all my past mistakes, all my wishes, all my could have beens, all my why did I do thats, all my why didn't I do this, challenge after challenge, misstep after misstep...and it all lead to me being the right person attracting the right man at the right time. I am thrilled to have this one man in my life.
The one man that truly cares for me. The one man that has been fulfilling my every whim and dream before I can even think of it. The man I'm getting to know...the man I'm going to love...the man that's going to love me back without hesitation or reservation. The man I've seen everyday, except for one day, since we decided to hook up.
My world was once...cloudy and grey. The dark clouds hung over my space for many a day. It felt like any moment the rain was going to pour. As if the sun would never been seen again. The highlights that once shone was just a reflection of the real sunshine that was soon to come. Now my days are warm sunny clear blue skies with white puffy fluffy clouds of love, hope, humor and joy.....
I hate when this happens...I wrote a really good blog post. I touched one button and now the damn thing is gone! UGH!!!!!
Anyway....I will try my best to RECREATE my thoughts. It won't even feel as sweet as when I first wrote it....only cuz right now I'm really ticked about what happened to it! lol SHIT!
I wrote a previous blog post about diggin' deep. It was about changing my thoughts and how I saw my dating experiences. I was thinking of dating and relationships in a negative way. Only because things never seemed to go my way...or what I thought I wanted I could never get with the guys that I was choosing to date. I decided I needed to change my thoughts to more positive ones and see what happens from there.
Well, things have changed. A man I knew in one of my social circles was diggin' on me. I knew we had a mutual attraction by the way we'd flirt sometimes, but we could never seem to get it together. He eventually came out and told me that he has liked me for a while. Nevertheless and to make a long story short - cuz now I'm pressed for time - we are dating. He's nothing like I thought he was from what I could tell from our previous interactions. I'm going with the flow...it's a great feeling....to finally meet someone that has been floating around in my head.
My thoughts are my reality...I've changed my thoughts for the better and something so much better has entered into my life.
I need to decide what kind of man I want to enter into my life. I have to be specific. There are certain things I want. I think in the past I've been too general, and with these thoughts I've been getting general kind of men.
I'll date one man and he doesn't have all the qualities I want, date another and he's void of other things I want.
I'm going to work on this. I need to change the way I've been thinking about relationships and what I want for me...
I need to create this man mentally. Eventually the physical manifestation will come. But first I need to mentally dig deep and write out what this man is like. There is a certain vision I have. Then I need to think about it often. Just like I do with my other goals.
It's time I redirect my thoughts. I've been thinking the wrong thoughts and it's been keeping me stuck.
If I keep thinking that dating is hard; it will be hard. The more I think the wrong thoughts, the more despair I feel about this situation.
So at the moment in time, I'm changing my thoughts. No more focusing on the wrong thoughts.
My thoughts are my reality. I'm creating the relationship I want.
The feeling I'm feeling at this very moment in time, I've never felt before.
I can't explain it, but all I know is that I miss my friend.
I wish I could call him up and talk to him. But I just can't.
I wouldn't even know what to say.
I know he doesn't miss me like I miss him...
I know he probably doesn't think about me like I think about him...
But right now....my heart is broken. Nothing I do is taking this pain I feel away.
I want to see the bad in him so bad that whenever I think about him I begin to dislike him to the point of hatred. But nothing I do seems to work.
I'm tired.
I don't know what I'd do at this moment just to take this feeling away.
I wish I couldn't go back seven months. It would all be different because I would have never walked down this path.
I would have chosen the other road.......
I'm looking for a detour....
I love my dog Santana...he's so wonderful....
Be Free....
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
It's written by one of my fellow writers - SinnerX
His blog is funny, witty, and informative...all in one swoop! Please take the time to read his blog and follow him on Twitter.
He's a real cool cat and has lots of knowledge and wisdom to impart to us on relationships and dating!
Be Free....
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
I am so not understanding why myself and some of my friends are single. We are some damn good women. Accomplished, Talented, Good Looking, Spiritually Inclined, Financially Stable, Educated and Successful....YET..........we are single. WHY is that?
Is it a unspoken inferior/superior complex that we have with men? Or is it vice versa?
Is that men see us as good women, but they aren't mentally together to deal with a woman of such caliber?
These answers escape me. I'm just baffled by this ongoing and largely growing group of women who have it together, but aren't in committed relationships.
WHAT ARE MEN LOOKING FOR?
Why can't it be as simple as...hey I like you...you like me...let's see what we can make of this?
UGH!
All this other stuff is emotionally crippling....mental gymnastics - all for what?
I can only speak for myself when I say that I never go around saying I don't want or need a man. It's not that. I do want and need a man in my life because I am a heterosexual woman and I am built to want to love and please my male companion. It is my human nature. So just because I am independent doesn't mean I can't be dependent upon a man. It's just that in this moment and space in my life, I have NO CHOICE but to be independent because I have my children depending on me for survival. However, if the right man came a long he'd be incorporated into our world, just like we would be incorporated into his...and together we'd be a force...he'd know that our relationship is built not only on love, trust, mutual respect and admiration...but on a basic business term...that is SWOT.
SWOT - Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.
Now, one may ask themselves how can this be applied to a relationship....
Each person has a strength. Each person has a weakness.
My/his strength is supposed to overcome my/his weakness.
Together we make opportunities to better ourselves as individuals, as a couple, and as parents.
Together we take our strengths to ward off any potential threats that may come our way.
Strengths compensate for weaknesses, turning threats into opportunities....for the betterment of our family unit. Wow!!!
What's so hard about that fellas?
What I see is that if a man were to snag myself or one of my lovely sister-friends, that battle of dealing with life is 50% won. We bring so much to the table that the struggle is partly over. Now that's from a survival of life perspective...
I know the mental and emotional piece is something different. Men and women are clued into relationships differently...this I totally understand. But I feel like if we just meet each other half way. Women allow the men to have space to feel what he's going to feel and in due time he will reveal. Patience. Men allow the women to the ability to share their emotions freely without feeling that because she has shared this with you - you are now feeling some pressure...doesn't make it always so. Perception.
Patience and Perception...my two number one goals - patience mastered...perception ongoing.
Be Free....
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
I've placed my trust and patience within the supportive arms of the universe......
Knowing that however I feel at this moment.....
God knows all.
The universe knows where my heart and intentions are......
And with that.....
I.......
Thank You for your FRIENDSHIP.
Be Free
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
2009 - You started out one way and ended on a note that was completely unexpected.
What I thought I wanted on 1/1/2009 turns out I didn't by 6/1/2009.
What I did want by 12/31/2009 I didn't get, but I will try my best to achieve in 2010.
Goodbye to a decade. Goodbye to RB and DM. Hello to ME.
To whom my heart now belongs for 2010 and beyond - *I love you, yes I really do*
Tomorrow I will start my 2010 blog for the new year and the new decade.
Watching 2009 sail away - I wave...GOOD BYE.
Be Free....
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
Every mid December I begin to think about the new year that's about to approach...and EVERY year I think about how I hope the next year won't suck like the current year or the years previously when it came to relationships. And guess what...every year thus far since 2001...it has sucked. lol
This year, I'm being PROACTIVE. 2010 marks a NEW DECADE....not just a newyear...but a new decade...a new period of 10 years - and I've decided that in this new decade....it's not going to be ANYTHING like that past 10 years.
The fact of the matter is - I was semi-dating someone. We had an agreement. I promised myself that my emotions weren't going to get involved. But I stepped over the line. This is the first person I've felt any kind of serious emotions about post SD era. This was a big step for me. If you've been following my blog, then you know that SD was a long drawn out relationship. It lasted for seven years and it was a roller coaster of nothing. Ups and downs and it filled with nothing...just absolutely nothing.
Anywho!.....things in my opinion started out really well between he and I. I really thought we were getting close and perhaps this could supersede what our orginial agreement was. Then it was finally dawned on me that this was NOT the case. As time moved on, he and I moved further and further apart. I agonized why this was happening. This went on for weeks. The more he didn't call or text me, the more I didn't call or text him. This is the kiss of death in any kind of interaction between people. Effective communication is essential to have successful relationship.
Today, it snowed an UNBELIEVABLE amount of snow....the DMV area has not had this much snow in probably 20 something odd years. But this snowstorm gave me the opportunity to really sit down and think about where I am and where I want to be. It was during these blizzard like conditions, I realize that this person that I really felt internally was the right person for me, is really NOT the right person for me. I just happened to meet someone that I FINALLY felt who treated me like I've been wanting to be treated for awhile. And I fell in love with the treatment. He treated me like I've longed to be treated.
This kind of treatment works so well with women who have been hurt,emotionally/mentally, financially abused by men over the years. I now believe I suffer from attention deficit. This is where women will SETTLE for any kind of treatment from a man just to keep that man around for the attention - no matter how little it is. We will listen to all the garbage he places in our dumpster because it's some form of attention. But that attention just keeps him in CONTROL over the overall relationship and keeps us (women) OUT OF CONTROL - trying to figure what is going on. We are always second guessing ourselves. Wondering and thinking about him...what's he doing...why is he doing that....and we don't even confront him when he doesn't something we find blatantly disrespectful for the FEAR of him LEAVING! lol That's straight trash! Trust me it is...if he leaves he wasn't the right one from the jump!
OMG! It's time to DROP this mentality!
So I've done some self assessment. I wasn't honest with myself nor was I honest with him. I knew when he first approached me that I wanted to be in a relationship. I just wasn't sure if Iwanted to be in a relationship with him. Matter of fact, at the time I was talking to someone else. Yet, the more and more he talked to me, the more and more I began to like him. But then I fell into la-la period - you know that period of time that men take you through - and you feel all happy and giddy, but truly it's nothing but to get to the end result - having sex. And I fell for it. I was really thinking this dude was feeling me MORE than what we agreed to. But know I see after WEEKS of really not having any communication, that if it was REALLY that easy for him to not COMMUNICATE with me, then he wasn't feeling me as deeply as I made it out to me in my own mind.
I'm clear with this. And I'm happy that I'm finally see it for myself. It's such a heaviness that has been lifted. I've heard some really solid messages from Lewis of iHustlenation and Dedan Tolbertof the DedanTolbert.net show. These messages have CLARIFIED so much for me.
In all, I've come to accept that he's not the person for me. I wasn't honest with myself. I'm scrapping my 90 day rule. A man will lasso the moon for the one woman he truly wants no matter how many days have gone by.
Be free.....
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
I can't stop laughing....I mean really....is this apart of my transformation? Is this apart of my change?
Now just the other night I received a call from my ex that I was with on and off for about seven years. Like I said in my previous blog post, I felt a HUGE shift in consciousness - I knew I had moved on.
Well this must be contact your ex week...because I JUST received a call from another one of my exes. WOW! I'm like amazed. He was DEFINITELY one of the LAST people I thought would be contacting me. I hadn't heard from him in months and I hadn't seen him since before the summer started.
I'm just so baffled by this - Did I send out a beacon? I mean well I did, but not to them! I love it. It does make a girl feel good. I'm laughing uncontrollably at the moment.
How about this? The ones that want you...you don't want and ones you want...don't want you....the world turns on such crazy conflict and donkey drama!
The sun shone today for the first time in days and I woke up with just high spirits, I feel positive and love in my heart! I guess others are sensing my shine.
Today's Angel Cards fit right into how I'm feeling:
The Angel of Balance: I AM in perfect balance and harmony with life.
Single Angel Card: Tenderness
YES! I'm feeling this.
For awhile I've been feeling off balance and my blog posts have outwardly expressed my displeasure with areas of my life. But it was like everything has changed.
Just the other day I was terribly sick. I had some kind of stomach virus. I was sleeping beauty. I went to sleep for about 16 hours. When I finally awoke the next morning, my stomach still bothered me some, but I had a completely new attitude. I have NO CLUE what happened to me during that time, but I feel a wave of newness and complete still peace.
I can't stop smiling and laughing. Nothing can break this mood.
Not even my Philadelphia Eagles losing....of which this VERY moment they are. I've accepted so much loss of things in my life that I've learned to accept it's just apart of life. Oh well.
I'm still going to get me some Eagles jewelry tho. I have my eye on this nice pendant.
And can I just say that once again....that if every kiss begins with Kay, then I should have a RACK of diamonds by now?! lol :-)
Please laugh...at this very moment...just think of something truly funny and just laugh! Be happy....
Be free...
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
His sex was good. I liked it a lot. Even though it was void of passion. It was just sex. I didn't even view it as being that kind of sex that one would lust after. I yearned to just be near him. That's how much I was diggin' his vibe.
I remember the first day I met him in person. We had built up a wanting....to see one another. I had met him on the message board about four months prior. I remember him being tall and good looking just like his pictures had made him out to be. I remember him coming around the corner as he approached me in the hotel hall way.
Sweet Lawd that was him. He was the final chapter in my book of bad relationships. The end of my bad beginnings. I learned a lot from him...I learned how a women should be treated, because the Lord only knows he never treated me like I wanted to be treated. And I never demanded that he treat me any better. I was kept in despair for years...but at my own miserable need to be there.
So I found it totally odd to get a phone call from him the other night....I was sleep...it was late. I laughed at the mere fact that I even received this phone call....I found it ironic that he called the same night that I deleted his pic from my Blackberry. I've always thought dude was clued into me somehow... But I could have sworn I had broken that connection. Clip! lol :-)
In the end, I didn't feel anyway about his phone call. It's good to have moved on.
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
Last night I went to the bowling alley as I usually do on a Saturday night. I had opted to go bowling instead of attending my Great Aunt Juanita's birthday party. She's in her 90s if I'm not mistaken. Well now I clearly understand WHY I was suppose to go bowling. I was given a subtle message of BE FREE, LIVE YOUR LIFE, LIFE IS TO SHORT and NO MORE EXCUSES...a reminder that LIFE is precious and I shouldn't take each day for granted...that I need to be on my Ps and Qs...that I no longer should settle, but make the most of my life on a DAILY BASIS.
I'm standing there preparing myself to bowl for the evening. I threw some practice balls. The lanes were just like I like them. I then saw a woman I knew from another league I bowled in years ago. At one point in time she had bowled in the league I still bowl in. She looked nice as usual, but she approached me and said Dion passed. I was like Dion who? I knew her son's name was Dion, but I knew she could not have possibly been speaking about her son....and she was like MY SON. I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK! He died from injuries of being in a car accident. The accident was October 11, 2009. I bowled with him at point in time and he use to sub in my league. It had been a while since I had last saw him. I remember talking to him about my reasons for cutting my locs. He had long locs that were very pretty and he was thinking about cutting them. I told his mom about this...and she said yeah he had decided to cut them and he did so in May...and it was probably shortly before then that was the last time I saw him. I am still in shock and very hurt about his passing. He was a young good looking bright young man. He worked for the DC Fire Department and I remember always seeing him in his blue uniform with DCFD on the back of his shirt....he just wanted to live his life to the fullest. But on one night driving down Rt.197 Laurel-Bowie Road...that all came to an end. He lived for a couple more days, but he eventually fell to his injuries. I feel so bad for his mother. She was in good spirits for having just burying her son on October 20th. She didn't bowl...her husband subbed...but I tried to make her laugh and feel at ease. But I can tell she was feeling the pain of not having her son. She told me she had her good and bad days...and I can understand this. I watched my mother go through the same pain of having to deal with a passing of a child...her son, my brother.
I can't believe I'm just finding out this news. The mother of Dion had been up the bowling alley about a week ago and I still didn't know. Wow....so here I am....able bodied...I am alive that can complete my dreams...my goals...and I'm going to do just that.
It just so happened this week I made some decisions. The first being about my participation on Facebook. I logged out on Monday November 2, 2009 at 11am and I've not logged back in since. I've given up all the time wasting mindless games. I just don't see the importance in them any more. They are addictive and it's almost like being or having a second job. Between attacking folks on Mafia Wars, harvesting crops on Farmville, dancing with people on Yoville and waiting for a chicken to cook on Cafe World...I wasn't writing. I wasn't completing my projects. I was losing my writing spark and becoming more interested in things that have no significant outcome if I wasn't on Facebook. It's not about taking a "break" from FB, it's about seeing how useless it can be at times...and how it was stopping me from achieving my goals and dreams...FB is the dream of its founders and we have bought into THEIR dream...but I want someone to buy into my dream...my completed writings...my e-novel, publish a manuscript, see my screenplays optioned and produced...but before that can occur I have to buy into me...and I can't do that by buying into things that keep me preoccupied from that goal. I know this blog post will pop up on my wall page...but rest assured...I have not logged into FB.
Another decision I've made is how disgusted I am regarding my "love" life. lol This has been obvious with some of my previous blog posts I've made. The fact of the matter is I'm sick and tired of being "alone". I want someone to come into my life that is going to care about me like he's never care for anyone else in his life. I've made some really bad choices in men and they have taken advantage of my kindness and I allowed them to because I wanted to say or "act" like I was this deep meaningful relationship. But I wasn't...I was just fooling myself. Just like I continue to fool myself in my current situation. No matter how bad I want it to change or if I call myself reading the tea leaves as they say...this is another dead end interaction. In part I feel like the victim and another part of me feels like the asshole. I saw clearly this past week where I thought he cared about me, but I see where I was misreading it...and he really didn't/doesn't care at all. Seriously...I just don't care anymore. I've played my own role in this. Not seeing the signs, not wanting to believe that these people could treat me the way I allowed them to. Dion is dead and he no longer has the opportunity to find love or to have love find him....he will never know what it is to grow old. My brother will never know what it is to grow old. However, I still have that opportunity to grow old and share my life with someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.
Ahhh the older I get, the more cynical I become over this falling in love thing. And why not...I just feel like love doesn't love me...even after I've given love my all. There has to be a life lesson in all of this. I still believe this is apart of me learning patience. Once I learn it...I truly believe I will see everything clearly. But given that...I look back on Dion and say wow...I still have a chance. The problem is...I care...I care too much...even when I shouldn't. Life is too short for me to care about people when they don't and will never care about me. I've lived so much of life wasting my good precious time on people that just used me...didn't care about me...only wanted sex with me but used love as the weapon of choice to seduce me. I fell for that crap. The lower lustful me fell for it. That is something I have to learn to control. It being out of control is what has gotten me to this place of despair. But I finally recognize it. Thus allowing me to do something about it.
I said I was going to live in a bullshit free zone. Some aspects of my life I've done a great job of doing that...in others...well not so good and now is the time for me to apply this to all aspects of my life. I'll be 40 January 21, 2011...that is 14 months away. All that crazy young childish crap I use to put up with...is just that...and I'm not dealing with any of it anymore!
I saw a sign this morning. I heard some banging on what I thought was someone at my front door. I went to my bedroom window. No one was at the door. It was just one of the kids. What did I see, however.....I saw a woman walking to her car with two large white garbage bags full of clothes it looked like...but that's not what caught my eye...it was the fact that she was wearing a BLUE SWEAT SHIRT WITH DCFD on the back....I know...I'm on the right track....
Be free......
*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.
Saturday, June 5, 2010 at 9:09PM